Last Christmas

 Dearest Koko, 

It was a little after midnight on 24th December 2025 and you were dreaming. In your dream you said something vaguely about Santa and I woke up. 

I was suddenly overcome by a terror. This was not the kind of terror that Stephen King novels are made up of, but the kind that covers your heart when you are stuck in traffic or your are in the shower. It is the very real fear of time slipping away. You know how anxious I get when we play any game that has the sand timer running? Even if I know what the answer is I falter when there is a timer running like that. This has been the bane of my existence, but tonight it was something else. 



Playing Santa for you has been my obsession over the past few years, In the beginning it was easy. I would decorate the tree by myself, get the gifts and put them under the tree. When you woke up you would get something under the pillow or see the gifts under the tree. The tragedy with this generation of children is of plenty. Every months if we go out (or every other weekend), even without any remonstration from them, they are provided with everything. 

KFC? No problem, here you go.

You want a chocolate? Take three, won't you?

Toys? Here's a Nerf gun, a jigsaw and a Jenga. You already have a Jenga, here's a new one. 

More, more and more. We are overburdening our children with so much choice that they are absolutely stumped when any one asks them what they want. Yes, they are not greedy, perhaps we are. 

But that's not where my fear stems from. Going back to the Santa ritual, over the last few years the game has become more cat and mouse. I have come really close to being caught a couple of times. I have had to be extra cautious to smuggle things in the house, store them somewhere you cannot check, wrap the gifts without you knowing. The rush of it all is exhilarating. But tonight, I get up cautiously and place the gifts under the tree, knowing fully well that this ruse will be up soon. Perhaps this year is one of the few last occasions I get to do it at all. 

Maybe we will still exchange gifts, plan more openly about what we want, what's on our wish list, what the budget should be. Like colleagues. But, where the magic in that?

Thanks,

Amrita

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